No one wants to think about death. Regardless, death is a part of life, along with funerals. How we act and what we say during a funeral can help make a difference in the grief of the family of the deceased. Here are ten common questions/answers about funeral etiquette to help you be as prepared as possible:
1. Who should attend the funeral?
If you are a friend or family member of the deceased, you should attend the wake (if there is one) as well as the funeral. Another instance where you should do your best to attend is if you were close to a family member of the deceased. In this case, your reason for attending the funeral is to pay your respects to the family.
2. Is it ever appropriate to skip the funeral?
Yes, in some instances it is okay to skip the funeral. Here are some reasons to skip:
- You live far away
- You are not able to take time off work
- You are ill and/or cannot travel
- Your attendance might upset or distract the family of the deceased
If you are unable to attend, you can offer your support in other ways, for example, by sending flowers or a sympathy card.
3. When should I arrive?
Always arrive early. If you’re late or arrive right when the service is starting, you could cause a delay. This is considered disrespectful to the family.
If the family is greeting guests when you arrive, offer condolences then find your seat. Make sure you do not sit in the first few rows as those are usually reserved for immediate family.
4. What should I wear?
In general, it’s appropriate to wear black, gray, blue or other subdued colors, unless the family has requested otherwise. If you’re unsure, it’s best to go with conservative business-like attire. For men, this includes suits, button-down shirts and ties, and dress slacks. For women, this includes a dress, a blouse with a skirt or dress slacks, or a suit. Keep jewelry and accessories to a minimum, and avoid clothing such as denim, flip flops, athletic wear and t-shirts.
Keep in mind the family may have religious or cultural customs you are unfamiliar with. The important thing is to do your homework so you don’t end up wearing a color that may be offensive.
5. What should I say/not say?
It is best to keep your condolences short and heartfelt. Avoid comparing the family’s grief to your own experiences or saying things such as “he/she is in a better place” or “he/she is no longer suffering.” Don’t tell the family how they should be grieving. Offer a smile, hug, or handshake, along with an expression of sympathy.
6. Do funerals include religious elements?
Religious elements are often part of a funeral. If you’re attending a funeral with religious elements you’re not familiar with, try to prepare beforehand. Doing some research can help you know what to expect and will allow you to understand the significance of what is occurring.
7. Should I sign the guest book?
Yes! Sign your name and your relation to the deceased. Just remember this is not the place to write a letter of condolence.
8. Is photography allowed?
This is usually up to the family, but as a general rule you should keep photography/videography to a minimum. The family may not want to be photographed when they’re grieving. You should never take a photo of the deceased in the casket if the funeral has an open casket. Turn off your phones before entering the church or funeral home. Answering calls during a funeral is rude and disrespectful.
9. Should children attend?
Children are usually welcome at funerals. Just be mindful of your own children. Make sure your children have something to occupy them during the service. If your children start to make noise, bring them outside quickly.
10. What gifts should I bring?
The most common gift is a flower arrangement, which can be sent directly to the family or to the funeral home. Another common gift that is always appreciated is food. During this time, the family may be too busy to cook for themselves. Preparing a home cooked meal that is easy to reheat is a good way to show your support for the family.
A donation may be another appropriate gift, especially if the deceased passed away from an illness. Donating to medical research may be a kind gesture.
When in doubt, you can ask the family what they need most. Continue to show your support for the family after the funeral. Call them, offer to take them to a movie or out to lunch. Remember that holidays, anniversaries and birthdays can be tough for the family to go through alone.
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